2019 Year in Review

2019 Medicine

In my home town of Blythe, California, way out in the middle of the Mojave desert, those clever researchers at the University of Blythe & Desert United Mountains (U.B. DUM.) created a cure for which there is no known disease.

* * * * *

2019 Super Bowl

On February 3, 2019, in the lowest-scoring Super Bowl of all time (13 to 3) the New England Patriots beat the Los Angeles Rams. I love football, but I found it so boring I didn’t even care about the score and, besides, I got busy searching for “Gilligan’s Island” reruns. It was so cold at Super Bowl LIII, it should have been called the Global Warming Bowl. During the game, I wrote my first Haiku:

Nobody Scoring

Gladys Knight anthem awesome

Super Bowl isn’t

* * * * *

2019 Motion Pictures

My favorite motion picture of the year was Ford vs. Ferrari (2 hours & 32 minutes long). Also loved Rise of Skywalker (2 hours & 22 minutes) and The Irishman (3 hours, 30 minutes). Unfortunately, I can’t watch such movies anymore because my bladder doesn’t last as long as the movie does.

* * * * *

2019 Television

The TV show “Bring the Funny” didn’t.

* * * * *

2019 Automobilia

A simple do-it-yourself customization project became popular in 2019. Some Toyota C A M R Y owners rearrange the chrome letters on the car’s trunk lid to make them spell: M Y C A R. This is a true thing. I think it’s cool. But then, I’m a car freak. Sorry.

<> 

In November 2019, Tesla boss Elon Musk unveiled his “Cybertruck”, an exotic wedge shaped electric pickup which Tesla’s design chief, Franz von Holzhausen claimed to be practically bulletproof. He demonstrated by throwing a small metal ball at the “armored” glass. Both windows shattered.

Tesla is also developing its own space shuttle which sounds really exciting to me. I can hardly wait to float serenely in space while looking down at earth through one of those armored glass windows.

<> 

“Good Morning Uncle Earl! This is Edseldirt checking in.”

Well, good morning to you, sir! What a pleasant surprise. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our award-wining transportation reporter, Edseldirt Bumperlink. Hey, whatcha got for us today?

“I thought your audience would like to know that Congressperson Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is upset because American students are learning about civics in public high schools.”

Really? Why is she upset?

“She said only teaching about civics, which are made by Honda, is unfair to other car manufacturers.”

* * * * *

2019 Fundamental Change

Nancy Pelosi, Jerry Nadler and the rest of the House Intelligence (so-called) Committee attempted to make a monumental change in our cherished 250-year-old judicial system when they stated that President Trump had not proven his innocence.

With all due respect (none) I’d like to inform Mrs. Pelosi and Mr. Nadler, that, unlike the Socialist/Communist political system you and your comrades prefer… in the United States all citizens are presumed innocent until proven guilty. Shame on you.

<> 

Lavrentiy Beria, became chief of Russian secret police by cooking up fake charges against his boss, Nikolai Yezhov, and arranging his execution by the government.

Beria, as Joseph Stalin’s blood-thirsty second in command, arrested opponents (real or imagined) and manufactured fake crimes for which they would be automatically found guilty in fake trials. During Stalin’s reign of terror, about 20 million people were executed by their own government. The “liquidations” started with opposition political leaders, spread to government bureaucrats, and finally engulfed the general population. All based on fake crimes, fake trials, and fake testimony.

When Stalin died, Lavrentiy Beria became the most powerful man in Russia. But Nikita Khrushchev staged a fake trial in which he denounced Beria as, among other things, a British spy. Although a complete fabrication, Beria was immediately executed, allowing Khrushchev to take over the country. This is how radical liberal left socialist/communist politics works. Always has. Always will.

“Show me the man and I’ll show you the crime.”

— Lavrentiy Beria

(Russian Deputy Premier 1941-1953)

* * * * *

“No, no!” said the Queen. “Sentence first—verdict afterwards.”

Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland (1865) chapter 12

* * * * *

2019 Prayer Life

Even though I am a religious man, I do not pray for our radical liberal congresspersons. Instead, I merely observe what they say and do. Then I pray for our citizens.         

* * * * *

2019 Product of the Year

In celebration of July 4th, Nike, the tennis shoe folks, released a sneaker featuring the Betsy Ross flag. Nike pulled if off the shelves after one-time pro football player, Colin Kaepernick reportedly told Nike the flag is offensive. Some of the radical left liberal crowd claims the Betsy Ross flag to be a symbol of white supremacy. Those people are nuts, of course.

As a result, conservative talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, created and began selling the “Stand Up for Betsy Ross” tee-shirt, with all proceeds going to “Tunnel to Towers Foundation”. As of today’s date, $5 Million has been raised to provide cataclysmically injured military and first-responders with mortgage-free smart homes. Thank you, Colin.

* * * * *

2019 Toy of the Year (not)

The “Former Secretary of State” doll turned out to be a Christmas sales dud, due to a major defect. When you pulled the doll’s string, she told a story. But her story kept changing.

* * * * *

2019 Fake News Headline of the Year

The world’s most-wanted terrorist leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, catapulted “Islamic State”  (ISIS) into a brutal cult which seized more than 34,000 square miles of land and cities, and became known for torture and mass public executions of people who didn’t follow the religious views of ISIS.

On Saturday, October 26, Al-Baghdadi died during a raid by Special Operations forces. On Sunday, October 27, The Washington Post ran this headline to announce the vicious terrorist’s death:

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, Austere Religious Scholar

at Helm of Islamic State, Dies at 48

Austere religious scholar my sweet potato! OMG… how do such so-called “journalists” sleep at night? Why would anyone still buy, read, or advertise in mainstream media?

* * * * *

2019 Vocabulary

At the end of each year, scholarly organizations release a list of new words or phrases created during the year. For example, you may recall back in 2006, the American Dialect Society chose “plutoed” as their Word of the Year. To pluto something means to demote or devalue it, as when the International Astronomical Union declared Pluto no longer a planet. (It got plutoed!)

The Merriam-Webster website lists several new 2019 words, including . . .

Stinger — Short scene after a movie’s closing credits

Fabulosity — The quality of being fabulous

Coulrophobia — Extreme fear of clowns

Other new words and meanings I discovered include (in alpha order) . . .

Biden — Used to describe a good life. Usage example: “Nope, I don’t really work for a living. I get paid very well for just biden my time.”

Charade — New synonyms for “charade” this year include circus, hot air, impeachment, and congenital lying.

Cappernicked — You’ve been cappernicked when you can’t get a job, but are paid millions of dollars for complaining about our country.

Klintonized — If your crimes are ignored by authorities, you have been klintonized. As a result, when asked, you needn’t explain anything other than, “Oh, that was debunked long ago.”

Obstruction of Congress — Obstruction of justice is a serious crime but, “obstruction of congress” is a totally made-up, meaningless, fake, non-legal phrase created to sound serious. (What kind of people would do such a thing?)

Trumped — Used much like when you’re playing cards and you think you’ve played a winning hand, but you lose big-time because you get trumped. In this usage, trumped is a synonym for truth. And that’s when the Schiff hits the fan.

* * * * *

2019 Bumper Sticker

In my novel, WILD BLUE: Saving the World with Duct Tape and WD-40, the lead protagonist is Kevin Oxley, a goof-off electronic genius who makes his own bumper stickers. Here’s his last of 2019:

The Problem With Politics is, it’s Full of Politicians.

Who are Full of Themselves.

* * * * *

In closing… let me confirm your suspicion. Yes, it is true … whenever I look at Adam Schiff, I am overcome with Coulrophobia.

* * * * *

Finis

Please follow and like us: