A Tale of Two Ditties

Dear Uncle Earl I drove through Blythe last week and happened to meet your cousin Elmer. Why does he have all those band-aids on him?

UNK: He’s the goalie for the dart team.

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As you may know, my literary agent has sold my romantic comedy/techno-thriller novel, WILD BLUE: Saving the World with Duct Tape and WD-40. The publisher just announced their release date: March 5, 2020. Woo-Hoo!

In the meantime, Kevin Oxley, the lead protagonist of Wild Blue, continues to create his very popular bumper stickers. Here’s Kev’s latest . . .

I don’t want open borders, so you call me a white supremacist.

My African-American and Hispanic friends don’t want open borders.

Does that make them black supremacists and brown supremacists?

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A few days ago, my radio bud Richard Raymond Joseph Martin Heatherton and I did a lunch reconnection. We hadn’t seen each other for several years due to spatial incompatibility (we live far apart). If you’re a Nor’ easterner and his name seems familiar, it’s because he played rock ‘n’ roll oldies on the air in New York City at WCBS-FM for fourteen years … and was the announcer for Dick Clark’s $25,000 Pyramid … and had recurring roles in the daytime TV dramas, General Hospital and One Life to Live. (But, I won’t mention those successes because I’m jealous.) Over sausage and peppers at Colombo’s in Eagle Rock, California, we heartily agreed our radio careers were far better than working for a living.

That location for our lunch brought back great memories for me because I started my show-biz career in Eagle Rock, where I rocked Eagles. Then I moved to Liverpool where I pooled liver. My career ended in Bowling Green because I refused to believe that green bowling would save the planet.

For about eight years now, Dick Heatherton’s been doing his motivational talk, The Upside to Down Times; Getting From Nowhere to Know-Where. According to Dick, “We know what we know and don’t know what we don’t know but, know what we know so well, that we don’t know how to know the unknown.”

In Dick’s book, Out of the Fog and Into Focus, he shares true-life stories from people he’s known, including Glenn Beck, Tony Blair, Marilyn McCoo & Billy Davis, Jr., Tommy Lasorda, Laura Ingraham, and the ever-popular Manny More. You might want to check it out. (But don’t check it out at the library ‘cause then he doesn’t make any money.) Should you wish to contact the irrepressible Mr. Heatherton, you may reach him here: dickheatherton@gmail.com.

  Legendary L.A. Dodgers skipper Tommy Lasorda shared this in Dick’s book: “I went through a very difficult time when two guys caused me to lose my [Triple A affiliate] job and I was down, dejected and very depressed. You have to get over it. My father taught me that in everyone’s life there comes a time when one door will close on you, and if you’re so concerned with the door that closes you’ll never find the one that’s open. Remember this: ‘Because God delays does not mean that God denies.’”

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Although most of my relatives escaped from Blythe, my Aunt Mable still lives there and I just got a letter from her. (She writes to me on her good days when they let her have a sharp crayon.)

Dear Oil,

[Aunt Mable always confuses me with Dick Heatherton. In New York City, “oil” is pronounced “earl” and “Earl” is pronounced “Oil”.]

          Yore niece Clarabelle jist had another baby. That makes ten. They’re all growin like weeds. Probably because their feet are covered with dirt. Ya know, if stupidity was a pointy-headed board, her kids would be a picket fence.

          I was gonna send you a picture of Clarabelle’s kids but I couldn’t get the film out of my phone.

          Yore Unkel Jethro and I don’t have much money but, the cost a livin in Blythe is rite cheap, and now that Blythe has that new Kentucky Fried Chicken with air conditioning, Jethro and I hang out there and lick other people’s fingers.

          Well, better close for now. Jethro and me got to go to the weekly neighborhood watch meeting. Everybody in Blythe does this. We have a drawing to see who’s the next person that gits to wear the neighborhood watch.

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A ditty is a short tune repeated often, to implant a message. It’s kinda-sorta like an advertising jingle. My entire life, I’ve been hearing these two ditties over and over again from radlibs (radical liberals):

1—The NRA is evil.

2—Planned Parenthood is good.

Below are just the facts. I make no commentary. Draw your own conclusion. If you are a radlib, don’t get mad at me. Facts are not hate speech.

  • In the 2018 election cycle, National Rifle Association (NRA) individuals, affiliates, and Political Action Committees (PACs) made political donations of $880,521.*
    • Most of that money went to Republicans.

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  • In the 2018 election cycle, Planned Parenthood individuals, affiliates, and Political Action Committees (PACs) made political donations of $7,183,139*
    • Most of that money went to Democrats

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  • The NRA receives no taxpayer funding.
  • In fiscal year 2018, Planned Parenthood was given $563.8 Million of our tax money.**
    • Unless my math is wrong (always a possibility because I am from Blythe) Planned Parenthood’s 2018 $7.2 Million political investment returned more than 75 times the amount donated … in one year.

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  • No mass shooter has ever been an NRA member.
  • During fiscal 2018, Planned Parenthood terminated the lives of 332,757 human babies.**

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*Center for Responsive Politics at OpenSecrets.org

**The Heritage Foundation at Heritage.org

In case you think the above numbers are a vast right-wing conspiracy, you can download the Planned Parenthood 2017-2018 Annual Report at PlannedParenthood.org

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