Dear Uncle Earl

With this issue of UERT, I happily introduce “Dear Uncle Earl”. Think of it as my version of “Dear Abby”. But sick. And twisted.

Dear Uncle Earl I’m from Blythe, so I don’t know high-society manners. My husband’s boss invited us to his backyard barbecue this weekend. Is it okay to eat deviled eggs with my fingers?

UNK: Definitely not. Deviled eggs and fingers should always be eaten separately.

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Dear Uncle Earl I just moved to Blythe and don’t know any mechanics here. I must go to the doctor in my beat-up old car with a broken rear end. Who do you think I should see?

UNK: A proctologist.

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Dear Uncle Earl the animal shelter asked for a small donation. What should I give them?

UNK: A chihuahua.

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Dear Uncle Earl my cousin in New York says you must be a racist. Is this true?

UNK: After listening closely to mainstream media and liberal leaders (admittedly, difficult to tell apart) who previously called me deplorable, and then a Nazi, I now see they are calling me a racist. This, in spite of my being raised color-blind, and loving my family, friends, and colleagues who are of all races, beliefs and persuasions.

  1. They call me a racist because I stand, put my hand on my heart, and sing with our national anthem.
  2. They call me a racist because I believe all our tax money belongs to citizens of the United States.
  3. They call me a racist because I think it is wrong for political leaders to ignore laws they don’t like.
  4. They call me a racist because I know the only people who live well under socialism are dictators.
  5. They call me a racist because I don’t shout obscenities and threaten violence to make my point.
  6. They call me a racist because I think judges should follow the law instead of personal ideology.
  7. They call me a racist because I don’t automatically believe stupid statements made by anyone.
  8. They call me a racist because I don’t want my country to become an enslaved socialist regime.
  9. They call me a racist because I won’t destroy businesses, careers, or lives just to get my way.
  10. They call me a racist because I believe all people deserve the same treatment under the law.
  11. They call me a racist because I don’t want taxes I pay given to people who are here illegally.
  12. They call me a racist because I don’t want deadly illegal drugs smuggled across our border.
  13. They call me a racist because I don’t want white people living illegally in the United States.
  14. They call me a racist because I sometimes disagree with the opinions of a person of color.
  15. They call me a racist because I have opinions that are different from radical liberal leftists.
  16. They call me a racist because I won’t impeach presidents for merely disagreeing with me.
  17. They call me a racist because I don’t want child sex slaves smuggled across our border.
  18. They call me a racist because I don’t want criminals to be hidden from federal officials.
  19. They call me a racist because I think my country is truly the greatest country on earth.
  20. They call me a racist because I don’t like newspapers and TV networks lying to me.
  21. They call me a racist because I believe our military and police are the good guys.
  22. They call me a racist because I’m absolutely totally in favor of legal immigration.
  23. They call me a racist because I don’t feel responsible for everyone in the world.
  24. They call me a racist because I believe only citizens should be allowed to vote.
  25. They call me a racist because I think the United States is a sovereign nation.
  26. They call me a racist because I believe in and support the U.S. constitution.
  27. They call me a racist because I neither like nor respect anti-Semitic people.
  28. They call me a racist because I really like being one nation under God.
  29. They call me a racist because I’m proud to be an American.

. . . So what do you think? Do these beliefs make me a racist?

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“Talkin’ about freedom
I’m talkin’ about freedom
I will fight for the right
To live in freedom”

— Sir James Paul McCartney

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          In closing I’d like to share one of the favorite bumper stickers created by Kevin “Ox Man” Oxley, the star of my Romantic Comedy/Techno-Thriller novel, WILD BLUE: Saving the World with Duct Tape and WD-40. Here ya go . . .

Why Am I Intolerant When I disagree With You, But

You’re Not Intolerant When You Disagree With Me?

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Finis

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