Feel The Love

True story:

            I first met my wife when she was in college. Well, now . . .  that’s a stupid thing to say. She wasn’t my wife when I first met her. Let me try this again.

            I first met Dianne when she was in college. She didn’t know it yet, but I was going to marry her. I already knew it because I had a secret weapon: dark chocolate-covered almonds from See’s Candies. I surprised her with a bag of them one day while she studied for final exams. I just dropped them off at her place, kissed her lightly, and said, “I’ll leave you alone so you can study. Bye.”

            She passed the test. Apparently I did too. Because she married me.

            Ever since, I’ve given her See’s dark chocolate-covered almonds on every special occasion. Sometimes no occasion at all, but just because I’m hungry and she shares.

            If you’re not as old as me (I do sometimes go back to the room I just came from in order to try and remember why I left that room to come to this room that I have now just left to try and remember why I went here in the first place after I left that other one) you may recall that Valentine Day this year was on a Sunday. I decided to beat the male weekend shopping crowds this year by going to See’s Candies early Friday morning.

            Because we live in the desert with warm dry winters, I wore my standard short sleeve Hawaiian shirt. I cleverly arrived a few minutes early and trotted across the parking lot to get to the store before it even opened. And then I got in line behind thirty-seven other early clever males.

            A loud, surprising, and terrifying thunderclap made me and all the guys trotting behind me across the parking lot trot even faster. As the store opened, hail sleeted down. Due to COVID restrictions, only three at a time were allowed in the store. I was merely soaked, freezing, and passionately shivering when I glanced up and down the long line and saw a few uncouth men in jackets pointing at my Hawaiian shirt while making unkind remarks from under their hoodies.

            I lost my cool (while catching my cold) and mumbled something resembling, “Ratzen flaster gorgon flohguhl.”

            Then I shouted out, “And I thought I was being clever by showing up early on Friday morning!”

            Eighteen drenched men without jackets shouted, “Me too!”

* * * * *

            This past Tuesday, March 2, 2021, FBI Director Christopher Wray denounced the attack on the U.S. Capitol as domestic terrorism.

            For some unknown reason, the FBI has not denounced as domestic terrorism, all those multiple attacks, government building take-overs, destruction, arson, and even murder, that occurred for months in Portland, Minneapolis, Seattle, Chicago, etc.

* * * * *

Two Books for the Price of None:

            If you’re a long-time UERT subscriber, you know I’ve had occasional short, fun, contests for you to win books written by my friends and associates. Well, we’re doing it again. But now, we’re giving away two books! And the contest—while fun—is not short. It’s a custom manufactured UERT crossword puzzle!

            The first reader to email all twenty-five correct crossword answers to Uncle.Earl@earltrout.com gets to choose either of the two author-autographed books below she or he wants. (In California that’s she, he, or it wants. We are gender neutral.)

            The second reader to email the correct answers gets the remaining autographed book. You can either print, fill-in, and email the crossword puzzle to me, or just email the answers.

Here’s the crossword puzzle, which is aptly named . . .

FEEL THE LOVE

ACROSS

1-ACROSS — When he grows up, Uncle Earl wants to live on the Big _ _ _ _ _ _

5-ACROSS — WILD BLUE: Saving the World with Duct Tape and _ _-40

10-ACROSS — Unk’s tiny rescue dog named after a Star Wars species of small furry bipeds: _ _ _ _.

11-ACROSS — Former Democrat Georgia Congressman Vernon Jones (now a Republican) recently said he disagrees with the Coca-Cola racism training, but “Biden needs the first training session on how not to be _ _ _ _ _ _ _.”

13-ACROSS—This Democrat-controlled city had 774 murders in 2020 (an increase of 50% over 2019):   _ _ _ _ _ _ _.

14-ACROSS—Percentage of Republicans who say they believe the election was fraudulent: _ _ _ _ _ _ _

16-ACROSS—Former Buffalo Bills all-star quarterback and republican Congressman Jack Kemp said: “Conservatives define compassion not by the number of people who receive some kind of government aid but rather by the number of people who no _ _ _ _ _ _ need it.”

18-ACROSS—Former Washington D.C. Democrat Mayor Marion Barry declared, “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest _ _ _ _ _ rates in the country.”

19-ACROSS—It was dangerous to address Mr. Siegel by this nickname: _ _ _ _ _

22-ACROSS—Uncle Earl’s bumpkin Aunt Maybel still lives in _ _ _ _ _ _, California

23-ACROSS— Our other Star Wars-themed rescue dog is _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Leia

24-ACROSS—Is St. Nicholas a _ _ _ _name?

25-ACROSS—“It’s not personal, it’s _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _  business.

DOWN

2-DOWN— The Beatles said it best. “All You Need Is _ _ _ _”

3-DOWN— _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ launched the deadliest war in U.S. history (approximately 700,000 killed) in an attempt to continue owning their black slaves.

4-DOWN— Rush’s nickname for CNN Anchor Chris Cuomo: _ _ _ _ _

5-DOWN—Quote from one of Uncle Earl’s sports heroes, Tiger _ _ _ _ _: “Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”

6-DOWN—Chicago was the location of the 1929 Saint _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Day massacre

7-DOWN—Al Gore quote: “It isn’t _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”

8-DOWN—Percentage of Democrats who say they believe the election was fraudulent: _ _ _ _ _ _

9-DOWN—Luca _ _ _ _ _ sleeps with the fishes.

12-DOWN—A novel by Stan Weisleder: “The _ _ _ _ of Brownsville”.

15-DOWN—Former North Carolina Republican Senator Tommy Tucker said, “I am the Senator, you are the Citizen, you need _ _  _ _ quiet.” (Not all Republicans are immune to rampant arrogance.)

17-DOWN— Nancy _ _ _ _ _ _ quotes: “I don’t remember saying that everybody in the country would have a lower premium.” -and- “…pass the bill [Obamacare] to find out what’s in it”

19-DOWN—The late Democrat Senator Robert Byrd launched his political career by recruiting 150 associates to form a local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan where he was unanimously chosen as their leader, the Exalted Cyclops. Twenty years later, Senator Byrd, still a racist, filibustered against and then voted “no” on the Civil Rights Act of 1964. The following year he refused to vote on The Voting Act of 1965. He also voted against confirmation of distinguished African-Americans Thurgood Marshall and Clarence Thomas to the U.S. Supreme Court. President _ _ _ _ _ however, describes Robert Byrd as “a very close friend of mine, one of my mentors.”

20-DOWN— Former California Democrat Representative _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Boxer quote: “For those who died, their lives will never be the same again.”

21-down—Dear Uncle Earl… If two’s company, and three’s a crowd, what are four and five? _ _ _ _

* * * * *

So what book might you win? Read on . . .

            The Dogs of Brownsville is an historical novel ripped from the headlines of the past seventy years—told in Godfather fashion—about the changing of the guard in Las Vegas from the “Mob” to Howard Hughes to corporate America. But if you dislike profanity (even though genre correct) you might want to pass on this one.

            When author Stan Weisleder retired from his career in actuarial science, he became a cop . . . the oldest one to ever graduate from the Academy! His 23 years with the L.A. Sheriff’s Department, mostly as a reserve Detective, provides a personal background filled with compelling stories.

            The Dogs of Brownsville is available at Amazon or wherever books are sold. If you click on the cover illustration (above), you’ll be taken straight to Amazon.

And then there’s the funniest conservative book ever written (so Uncle Earl says). That, of course, is his novel WILD BLUE: Saving the World with Duct Tape and WD-40.

Here’s the tagline: “All hail breaks loose when a goof-off electronic genius accidentally creates a weather-controlling device and blundering fanatics steal it for their psychotic leader’s use as a WMD (Weather of Mass Destruction).”        

My brief author video is kinda-sorta fun. Click to watch.

You can get Wild Blue at any independent bookstore throughout the English-speaking world. (I love independent bookstores!) The ISBN number is 978-1735772622

Wild Blue is for sale at Amazon.com and BarnesAndNoble.com. Clicking on the cover (left) takes you to the Barnes and Noble listing.

The book is also available in every eBook format known to man. Or woman. Or it.

* * * * *

finis—

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