Feelings

My uncle Jethro in Blythe, California snores loudly. When Aunt Mable said she was going to buy him nasal strips, he became very confused, assuming a nasal strip to be an exotic dance involving the sinuses.

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The California legislature has established that anyone may instantly become any gender they wish, any time they wish, by simply stating, “Today I feel like a (insert gender)”. You make that statement and you then get to play on any of that gender’s sports teams. For example, after you play a game on the boy’s/men’s baseball team, you can go play on the girl’s/women’s baseball team. After the game, you shower and dress with either gender you wish. In California, reality and plumbing don’t matter.

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UERT reader Pennsylvania Lori told me she has a male co-worker who suddenly decided he is a girl. Their employer declared it mandatory for employees to refer to him by his new made-up girl’s name. To which Lori responded, “Today, I feel like I am Captain Kirk and I refuse to call him by his new female name unless the company makes it mandatory for everyone to call me Captain Kirk.”

This issue hasn’t yet been resolved. Look for it, coming soon to a Supreme Court near you.

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It occurs to me that if one can officially change one’s gender by simply stating how one feels, that is a legal precedent which may be applied to virtually any aspect of life. For example…

You’re a blonde, but you feel like you’re a redhead. So your driver’s license must state you have red hair (despite the picture on your license showing you have blonde hair).

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You’re 5’ 7” tall, but you feel like you’re 6’ 8”. Therefore, 6’ 8” must go on your driver’s license. This may prove useful when you apply for that job with the Celtics. (It is illegal for an employer to disregard your self-identification.)

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If you have terrible eyesight but feel your vision is perfect, your driver’s license must state: “No corrective lenses required.” (It just wouldn’t be right for the DMV to deny your feelings.)

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Personally, I feel like I’m a brain surgeon. So, legally, that’s what I am. And I’ll do it much cheaper than your current doctor. Just shoot me an email. I’ll grab my X-ACTO knife and be right over.

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Ever heard of “The Summer of Love”? Haight-Ashbury … 1967 … Jefferson Airplane … Janis Joplin … Jimi Hendrix … hippie clothes … Sects, Drugs & Rock ‘n’ Roll. A very popular bumper sticker that summer was:

Don’t Trust Anyone Over 30

Kevin Oxley is the hero of my novel, WILD BLUE: Saving the World with Duct Tape and WD-40. He’s a goofball electronic genius who accidentally invents a doomsday weapon. Kev likes to make homemade bumper-stickers. He just sent me his latest, especially for youth of the 60s who are now well grown-up and know what that 1967 bumper sticker really should have said:

Don’t Trust Anyone Over 30

Years in Government

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Speaking of the 1960s, Chatty Cathy was the second most popular doll of the entire decade. She had a string coming out of her back and when you pulled the string, she said things like, “Please brush my hair.” and “May I have a cookie?” 1960s high tech.

The most popular doll of the 60s was Barbie, the fashion doll. More than a billion Barbies have been sold. Barbie has been produced with more than 150 different occupations (including Astronaut Barbie, Paleontologist Barbie, Marine Corps Sergeant Barbie,etc.) She also has many plastic accessories, including a boyfriend name Ken.

Extrapolating dimensions upwards, if Barbie was a real woman she would be almost six feet tall, weigh 110 pounds, and her measurements would be 39–18–33.  Can you say… “scary anorexia”?

The reason I bring up Chatty Cathy and Barbie is because this year’s hottest Christmas toy is a new line of dolls named Darbie and her boyfriend Ben. They come with strings attached.

  • “Fauxcahontas Darbie” has high cheekbones and low integrity.
  • “Journalist Darbie” — when you pull her string she lies.
  • “Barby Darbie” comes with an Australian grill.
  • The “Politician Ben” doll is two-faced.
  •  “AOC Darbie” — when you pull her string, she says something stupid.
  •  “Mainstream Media Ben” pretends everything AOC Darbie says is brilliant.
  • “Mix & Match Darbie” has interchangeable parts to create all seven California genders.
  • “Speaker of the House Darbie” — pull her string and she officially announces: “Feelings and fourth generation hearsay are far more important than actual evidence.”
  • The “House Intelligence Committee Chairman Ben” doll comes with a shredded constitution.
  • “Green New Deal Darbie” includes both a private jet airliner for attending global climate change conferences and wind-powered roller skates for when she wants to play “common person commuting to work”.
  •  “Athletic Supporter Ben” has a uniform for every female sports team, so he’s ready to instantly become the biggest, strongest player on any women’s team when you pull his string to make him say, “Today, I feel like a girl.”
  •  “Divorced Darbie” has a house, a car, and Ben’s favorite dog. You pay for that doll every month.
  • “Mousey Tongue Ben” doll hates America but pretends to be merely a socialist.

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“But if you go carrying pictures of chairman Mao
You ain’t going to make it with anyone anyhow”

— The Beatles

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—Finis

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