Mable & Adolph

I’ve been carrying around my own private political prognostication with me ever since the Democrat debates began. I never wanted to reveal my prediction because you’d think I’m even dumber than you think I am. But, I am now absolutely convinced my prediction will come true. Mark down today’s date and save it to prove I’m prophetic (instead of pathetic). Here ya go: I believe that after many of the Democratic presidential candidates drop out or implode, Hillary Rodham-Clinton’s star will shine once again at the Democratic convention and she will be unanimously chosen to be the one candidate that can beat Donald Trump. Remember… you read it here first! The only thing I can’t figure out is how she will be able to run her campaign from a prison cell.

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If you’re a new subscriber, I thank you for joining in the fun. My random thoughts are shared with you for the purpose of promoting my romantic comedy/techno-thriller novel, WILD BLUE: Saving the World with Duct Tape and WD-40. My agent sold the manuscript not long ago and the publisher has announced March 5, 2020 as the release date. Please save your money so you can buy hundreds of copies. Thank you very much.

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Florida Pastor Charles sent me this email: “I have found that duct tape can fix anything except stupid. However, although duct tape can’t fix stupid, it sure can silence it.”

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I grew up in (and eventually escaped from) the little Mojave desert village of Blythe, California where we all had a reputation for being bumpkins. Only one small branch of our family (just a twig, really) still lives there and—hey!—I got a letter yesterday from my Aunt Mable. They must have given her a new crayon. She wrote: (Oops, sorry. I live in California so my pronouns have to be gender inclusive.) She/he/they wrote:

Dear Nefyoo Earl ,

Well we had two exciting things happen in Blythe last week. Our first Asian buffet opened for business. And all the stray dogs and cats disappeared.

Yore Unkel Jethro bought some sushi and brought it home for dinner, but we discovered the fish was still raw! Can you imagine? He decided to barbecue it, but the little pieces of fish and rice and that strange green toothpaste fell down between the grill bars. When he tried to pull it out, he burnt his fingers. I tried to call 911, but I discovered my phone doesn’t have an eleven button. And they call it a “smart” phone. Yeah, rite.

Well, I better close for now. Jethro wants to go to the movies and we need to find 15 more people to go with us cause the movie sign sez Under 17 Not Admitted.

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If you’re a long-time UERT subscriber, you know I do most of my writing at the Jack in the Box restaurant near my home. I know every employee’s name, and they all know my name. Yeah, it’s my version of Cheers. Well, this morning they had a new employee and it was unsettling. I didn’t know how to pronounce her name. Glancing at her name tag, I saw lots of vowels. Seemed like it might be French. Guess I’ll get clarification tomorrow morning but, I’m thinking it might be pronounced, Tray Nee.

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Tim Kelly, a legendary broadcasting executive whose accomplishments and opinions I really respect sent me an email that had me proudly grinning from ear to ear. He said, “Earl, you’re well on your way to becoming the next Andy Rooney.” I was so proud to read that. Then I realized he was referring to my age.

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Dear Uncle Earl … Christmas is coming and my little girl is afraid of Santa Claus. Should I be concerned?

UNK: No, not at all. She will outgrow it. This is a fairly common condition known as Claustrophobia.

Dear Uncle Earl … I live in Blythe and last weekend we took the kids to the nearby desert town of Cabazon so we could see those two famous life-size cement dinosaurs that have appeared in movies and TV shows. But, we never saw them. What happened?

UNK: I investigated and found two explanations. First, you are from Blythe. Second, it was extremely sunny that day and those famous gigantic dinosaurs were wearing sunglasses, so you didn’t recognize them.

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Long ago in a place far away, I had a one-on-one conversation with Adam Schiff in my home. Essentially, I just kinda-sorta interviewed him because… he wanted my vote. I liked his answers enough that I did vote for him. To my great disappointment, his actions in the House of Representatives did not match his answers in my house.

Mr. Schiff is now Leader of the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence. Which is oxymoronic on so many levels.

For more than two years, Mr. Schiff repeatedly and publicly stated he had proof of President Trump’s collusion with Russia. But, never—not even once—despite being questioned and prodded—did he ever reveal what his proof was. Not even to the Mueller investigation.

I am a man who believes in truth, logic, and reality. I can think of only two explanations for Mr. Schiff’s refusal to reveal his proof of Mr. Trump’s Russian collusion:

1. Mr. Schiff was lying.


2. Mr. Schiff didn’t want anyone to know the truth.

If possibility #1 (above) is true, then Mr. Schiff has no credibility with me. I don’t respect liars. If possibility #2 (above) is true, then, by refusing to turn over his evidence to the Mueller investigation, hasn’t Mr. Schiff obstructed justice and, by definition, colluded with Russia?

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“The broad mass of a nation…will more easily fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.”

— Adolf Hitler

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