Pot of Gold

I can empathize with Lori Loughlin and others caught up in the college scandal. I grew up in the small desert farm town of Blythe, California, where I kinda-sorta had a reputation as an uneducated country bumpkin. Proudly, I decided to enhance my family heritage by bribing my granddaughter’s way into college at the University of Blythe and Desert-United Mountains. (U. B. DUM.) My goal was a full-ride scholarship for her desired dual majors of Bodybuilding and Political Science. I started the process by submitting this unedited photo of our 13-year-old granddaughter just to prove she was well-qualified:

My cousin Elmer is a Blythe scholar, so I asked him to pretend he is our granddaughter and take the SAT in her name. Elmer thought we made a mistake because SAT is the past tense so, he asked for a SIT test. They sent him to the dog trainer.

Meanwhile, the Blythe University Dean, who had a doctorate degree, decided he deserved a larger bribe because he didn’t even like Elmer who was also his cousin. We finally settled on the mutually-acceptable bribe amount of a $50 Kmart gift card (very high by Blythe standards).

The Dean declared himself the test proctor and scheduled a private SAT for Elmer in a little campus shop where they repair water coolers and walk-in refrigerators. Not unexpectedly, Elmer and cousin proctor doctor got into a fight. They almost destroyed the shop, throwing everything in all directions. But, Elmer passed the test with flying coolers.

Well … it won’t be horrible if my granddaughter is not successful in college. She’s a good little actress and will probably do well in television. She’s already been offered a role in a new TV reality series titled, When Calls the FBI.

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Recent changes in California law made recreational marijuana totally legal, and usage of many illegal drugs, merely a misdemeanor. This has greatly changed St. Patrick’s Day celebration. Instead of four-leaf clover, shopkeepers wear seven-leaf marijuana. California’s booming cash crop is now Marijuana. The pot of gold has been replaced by the gold of pot.

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From time-to-time, a certain Beverly Hills liberal emails me his opinions. Thank you, Pat, for your comments on my recent post, “Walls”. Below are my truthful, reality-based, responses.

The “Walls” post said: Please never forget: the Berlin Wall and the Soviet Union both collapsed under the weight of their own evil.

Pat said: And so will the Trump Wall, one can hope. It’s just another Berlin Wall, being built to prevent refugees escaping tyranny and death.

Unk says: Pat, you are too smart to be unable to comprehend the difference between a wall put up by a murderous communist dictatorship for the sole purpose of keeping its own citizens captive, and a wall put up by a free country for the sole purpose of keeping its citizens safe. If our wall is, as you claim, “…to prevent refuges from escaping tyranny and death”, wouldn’t it make more sense for those so-called refuges to simply relocate to any of a dozen other countries that are much closer to them, and where people speak their language? I don’t think it’s healthy for U.S. citizens to merely parrot any “party line”, be it Republican or Democrat, instead of thinking for themselves. We all need to seek truth. A good resource for truth is not the Communist News Network.

“Ignorance is self-inflicted.”

— Dr. Francis Noah Weksler

The “Walls” post said: I had to pay a fee in cash (bribe?) to get my passport back.

Pat said: You admit you crossed the wall illegally using a bribe. You’re only alive today because the law at the wall was not enforced. You could have been shot. Strange that you value feeling safe in America, yet want to block others coming here to feel the same way.

Unk says: Pat, you plummeted to your own incorrect conclusion and then stated it as fact (a common liberal tactic). My trip through the Berlin wall into East Germany had not the slightest bit of illegality. Virtually anyone in the world could have made the same trip. Apparently, my sarcasm (“bribe”) did not work for you. Sorry. It is my understanding that paying a fee for having one’s passport returned was standard communist East German procedure. Regardless … not my monkey; not my circus. I have absolutely no problem with helping legitimate refugees. I’ve never known any U.S. citizen who would deny refuge to someone legitimately escaping war, starvation, etc. Pat, if you choose to illegally sneak into Mexico, does that automatically make you a refugee? Of course not. Illegally sneaking into a sovereign nation is not a definition of refugee.

The “Walls” post said: The next logical step is to remove all walls from prisons, factories, military bases, airports, schools, churches, Fort Knox, rich politician homes, rich move star homes, and the Vatican.

Pat said: Walls are a simpleton’s “solution” to crimes prompted by hate, mental illness, inequality and the glorification of violence. It can’t be the solution because it isn’t removing the cause.

Unk says: I agree. It is a simpleton’s solution to crimes. However, keeping our citizens safe behind a wall (including rich liberal politicians and movie stars who already have their own walls) sounds like a great idea to me. And, I don’t see how being safe behind a wall prevents anyone from working on solutions to toxic societal issues. But, then… I’m a simpleton. I’m from Blythe.  

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Every couple of months, my dear friend, four-time Emmy-winner Sheldon Altfeld joins me for lunch in the showbiz capital of the world. That of course, is Bob’s Big Boy restaurant in Toluca Lake. (Hopefully, dropping his name will get us a fee dessert.)

So, I called Sheldon to set up a St. Patrick’s Day brunch, and on the phone he sounded Shetland. (A little horse).

“Can’t do it, Unk,” he said.” I’m feeling under the weather.”

“Why on earth are you feeling under the weather? What do you expect to find down there? Feeling under the sofa cushions would be more productive.”

“You’re right,” he said. “That’s where I stash my loose change.” His voice was weak and scratchy. “Hey,” he added, “instead of going to lunch, why don’t you just come over to my place for some ice cream?”

I asked, “Do you have laryngitis?”

“No. Only chocolate and strawberry.”

Being a purveyor of old jokes (like me), Sheldon finally said, “Okay, okay I’ll meet you at Bob’s after the rain stops … which looks like about another two months. I’ll be there with bells on. If it’s cold, I’ll wear something warmer.”

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  1. The United States of America is the most generous country in the history of planet earth
    1. We give away billions of dollars in assistance all over the world every year
    1. We are usually the first (sometimes the only) to arrive for disaster relief
  2. About 10% of those caught sneaking into the U.S. are actual refugees, and are given asylum
    1. The remainder (if not criminals or terrorists) sign a “promise to appear” in court
      1. They never show up for their court date
      1. They go “underground” and cost our country a literal fortune
  3. Depending on whose numbers you believe, 11-20 million people illegally live in our country
    1. Illegals comprise about 3% of the U.S. population, but account for:
      1. Approximately 15% of drug- trafficking convictions
      1. Approximately 12% of murder convictions
    1. 10,000 girls and women are smuggled into our country every year by illegal aliens
      1. Until rescued (or murdered) they live a miserable life of forced prostitution
    1. Our country has 198 illegal drug overdose deaths every day
      1. The drugs are brought into the U.S. by illegal aliens
  4. The cost of illegal immigration every year is more than the one-time cost of building the wall
  5. What moral obligation requires bankrupting ourselves to support illegal aliens?

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A brief closing note to radlibs: Your automatic granting of the heartfelt title, refugee, to anyone who illegally sneaks into our country is a sham, and you know it. But, you get those illegals to support your radical liberal “leaders” so, I guess for you (but not the country) … your sham rocks.

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