Silence of the Hams

I’m a life-long car freak, and being Executive Director of the Kansas City Automotive Museum was the funnest job I ever had. Accordingly, I decided the UERT blog needs a transportation reporter. I am delighted to announce that we’ve been able to hire the former editor of Car and River (the premier magazine devoted to amphibious vehicles). So… a warm “welcome aboard” to Mr. Edseldirt Bumperlink.

“Thanks, Unk. A big story just broke in the Motor City (Detroit) this morning. In the recent mid-term election, Michigan legalized recreational marijuana. Motorists are advised to be wary if your favorite drive-in dive now features pot roast.”

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Looking at a theater marquee, my agent saw the movie title Nobody’s Fool. That reminded him to remind me to remind you that my home town is Blythe. Yes, people from Blythe—like me—are known for not being sophisticated. Even so, I am nobody’s fool. But maybe somebody will adopt me.

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Dear President Trump:

It now appears Honduras and Venezuela, in cahoots with U.S. political entities, paid for the illegal alien caravan. We do know for certain that Mexico originally created the entire problem by allowing and encouraging illegal immigration through and from their country. And spineless RINOs didn’t help. (Fortunately, some of those Republicans did not get re-elected.) Requiring Mexico to pay for the solution seems perfectly reasonable.

Here’s my plan:

  • Build the wall
  • Send the bill to Mexico
  • Give them ninety-days to pay.

If they don’t pay, all U.S. foreign aid to Mexico ($87 Million in 2018) stops immediately. Every month Mexico doesn’t pay for the wall, one-twelfth of their annual foreign aid from the United States disappears—forever—never to be repaid.

I’m taking bets on how long before Mexico ponies up.

* * * * *

YA WANNA TALK FAKE NEWS…

As Hurricane Florence approached North Carolina, a national television network reporter “bravely” did his live-on-the-scene report while struggling to not be blown away by the devastating winds. When the TV camera slowly pulled back to widen the scene, we saw ordinary people calmly walking around in the not-at-all-dangerous wind. The TV network had staged the fake danger. This is a true thing.

Quite obviously, most television news has lost all contact with journalism. Yes, I know ratings are important but, real news is not supposed to be trumped by entertainment. Get a grip, guys. We’re all still waiting for your return to reality.

Oops. Shouldn’t have used that trump word.

* * * * *

We interrupt this UERT with breaking news from roving political reporter, Trever Nump. Come in, Trever…

“THANK YOU, UNK. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I AM HERE IN YOUR HOME TOWN OF BLYTHE, CALIFORNIA, DOING A SPECIAL MAN-ON-THE-STREET CHRISTMAS SURVEY.”

Really? Uh, Trever… Do you know that people from Blythe… like me… have a reputation for being… unsmart?

“YES, OF COURSE. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.

And the Christmas question you’re asking in Blythe?

“WELL UNK, BLYTHE IS A LOT LIKE THE AREA AROUND BETHLEHEM, WITH HUNDREDS OF MILES OF DESERT. SO, I’M ASKING EVERYONE WHY CHRIST WASN’T BORN IN BLYTHE.”

And the answer is?

“THEY COULDN’T FIND THREE WISE MEN.”

* * * * *

WARNING TO IVY LEAGUE PROFESSORS: The following may induce surprise, shock, and awe.

  1. The United States is a nation of laws. There is existing procedure for changing a law. No individual or group has the right to ignore a law to suit their own purpose.
  2. The United States has a constitution which contains very specific procedures for making changes to that constitution. Nobody is allowed to just, willy-nilly, change or ignore the constitution in order to prop-up their own desire for power.
  3. The United States of America is a sovereign nation with its own clearly defined borders. (Gasp!)

Now, please stop going all apoplectic on us.

Just deal.

* * * * *

I told my grand-kids Santa Clause is so busy this year, he had to build another toy shop. So Santa Clause now lives at both the North Pole and the South Pole.

My grandson’s eyes got very wide and he said, “Santa is bi-polar?”

* * * * *

Speaking of apoplectic…

Set the way-back machine to 2016 when a cacophony of showbiz celebrities (Barbra, Rosie, etc.) promised us they would move out of the United States if Donald Trump became President. Well, please forgive my ignorance (because, after all, I am from Blythe) but, I don’t recall any of them having moved out of our wonderful country. Their silence is deafening.

The situation brings up a lot of conjectural thoughts. For example…

  • Did those celebrities lie?
  • Did Americans not care about the opinions of rich pampered people?
  • Did citizens elect Trump because they hoped those celebs were telling the truth?

In any event, it has been two years now.

If you’re still here, please feel free to leave.

I’m sure we’ll miss you.

Write if you get work.

* * * * *

My little granddaughter said she wanted a literal cow for Christmas.

I said, “You want a real cow?”
“No… silly grampa,” she said. “I wanna little toy stuffed cow, but I want it to be literal.”
“I don’t understand, sweetheart.”
“You know… like literals…  the people you talk about. I want it to do fake moos.”

* * * * *

In the 1960s both Republicans and Democrats agreed with John F. Kennedy when he said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.”

In 2018, new recruits to the now radically liberal Democratic party ask, “What free stuff will you give me?”

Although, it’s usually asked like this: ¿Qué cosas gratis me darás?

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Finis

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