Voter Guide

My hometown is Blythe, California, a small, isolated, farm village smack dab in the middle of the Mojave desert. During my childhood, there was no freeway and almost no contact with the outside world. As a result, me, my friends, and my family all had a reputation for bumpkinism. My Aunt Ruth owned a beer bar, Ruthie’s Tap, in Blythe. One night a man walked in with a parrot on his shoulders. “Wow!” Ruthie said, “He’s really strange. Where did you find him?” The parrot said, “Right here in Blythe.”

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Like most citizens in our wonderful country, I am not conservative and I am not liberal. I am normal. You know . . . follow the law, believe in equal opportunity and justice, honor our flag, our military, and our constitution. I don’t automatically vote for any specific political party. All that normal stuff. Thus, the voter guide below is nonpartisan, accurately reflecting the opinions of both sides. Just read and make up your own mind.

Which brings up a strange thought. How do you make up your mind? Maybe put the makeup on a Q-Tip and stick it up your nose?

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            As I communicate with people all over our land, I have learned a truth upon which all our citizens, regardless of political affiliation (especially those in hot climes) can agree: the right to bare arms.

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My take on global climate change . . . Forty years ago, the radical liberal left told us a new ice age was coming and we were all doomed. Twenty years ago the radical liberal left told us about global warming… and we were all doomed. Now it is “global climate change”, which means we are all doomed regardless of what the temperature is. How convenient for them.

Computer-based modeling, designed to simulate what might happen in the future, is merely the result of information programmed into the computer. Any programmer can make any computer-based model predict anything he or she wants it to predict.

I make this solemn promise to you: I will believe in global climate change just as soon as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Bernie Sanders, Al Gore, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Hussein Obama all stop flying in private jets, decrease their lifestyle to one small house with no air conditioning, and commute to work only on a bicycle. Until that day, you have zero credibility. Give me a freaking break!

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Personal Note to President Trump: It seems to me that Mr. Pence is a good Vice President, but for the 2020 re-election campaign, I’d like to suggest a strategic move: find a new job for Mr. Pence and bring on Condoleezza Rice for VP. Condoleezza is brilliant, beautiful and black… an unbeatable combination. I’d vote for her in a hot Palm Springs minute!

Then when the radical left liberals set out to destroy her, they will expose how they truly feel about supporting women. Especially, women of color

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Dear Uncle Earl … What do you call a huge dictator who weighs a lot?

UNK: Attila the Ton.

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Dear Uncle Earl … I’m a liberal and I find things you write to be dictatorial. What do you call a dictator like you who makes corny jokes?

UNK: Attila the Pun.

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Dear Uncle Earl … What do you call a really small dictator?

UNK: Michael Bloomberg.

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